Got Me Feelin So Crazy Right Now

Although I wish I was just feeling Beyoncé’s so 'Crazy in Love', that is not the crazy I have to fight on the daily. Y’all I am about to be real transparent!

When I was younger, I always dreamed of being married young, having a bunch of babies, traveling the world together, and making God known everywhere we go. I guess I did not realize the cost that would be included in that dream, both financially and mentally. I also dealt with depression when I was younger, and it is the mental factor that seems to be outweighing everything else in this season of motherhood.

If you have read my previous post, you know I dealt with Postpartum Depression. Although I was warned about it and coasted through it the first few postpartum months with my first daughter, it hit me strongly around 6-8 months. I have been working on myself and reaching out to other women to make sure there is not a repeat of it, but these hormones still have me feeling CRAE CRAE! Thanks, Eve!

The other day my husband and I was spending some alone time together, and He decided to share what he was feeling. I told him I had a lot that I was feeling as well. He had all these amazing, praiseworthy things to say, so I felt like a Debbie-downer when I said how I felt. He was very supportive, but I could tell it took him by surprise. I am usually the positive, optimistic faith walker. However, these postpartum hormones have me feeling all sorts of crazy.

There are days that I want to and feel like I can conquer the world. There are other days that I want to curl up in a ball in bed all day long ( I have a 5 year old and 6 month old, so clearly that doesn't happen). Then there are days that I am good, but I may cry on demand. Sometimes when the hubs sends me out of the house for me time, I contemplate what it would be like if I drove somewhere just for a day or two and just slept. I would not have to cook, clean, feed and so on.

Because I am who I am, I have conversations to myself to tell myself to stop being crazy. How can someone so spiritual have these crazy emotions? I tell the thoughts to be quiet and turn up my worship music and go on about my business. Truth is, pregnancy and having a baby brings a ton of hormones and changes to prepare a woman's body to nourish and grow another human...Basically, we are Superwoman! Although the wide range of emotions and hormonal changes are quite normal, I just feel crazy. I still want to have it all together, but truth of the matter is, I DO NOT, and have to rely heavily on the Holy Spirit everyday.

It does not help when the toddler has melt downs. It does not help when the baby doesn't sleep through the night, because she is teething. And there are days, I am ashamed to say, that I have a mommy breakdown in front of them. I sit and cry and pray through it. The baby sits there looking like what is going on, and the oldest then gets a heart of compassion for me. I am probably rambling at this point, but I am sharing my thoughts. Hopefully, someone feels they are not alone. Hopefully, it helps me to be more open. I don't know. I am putting myself out there.

Why do we hold on to these feelings? Maybe if we shared more we would have less women depressed and/or taking their own lives. I feel like we should, in the body of Christ, be more open about these things. I watch as believers and pastors take their lives because they are dealing with so much mentally and probably feel crazy like me for the thoughts keeping the up at night. Okay, I feel like I getting into other things, so I will put a pin in it and stop this here.

Mommas please chime in! I love discussing the topic amongst other women!