Brokenness Mended By Grace: Part VIII

Unfinished Conversations

It was the summer of my eleventh grade year as I found myself glued to the computer on the then popular Myspace. My father did not raise any fools, so all of my friends were people I knew or knew of from school just to be safe. Somehow in my boredom I gained a new friend. I cannot remember who friended who, but I am pretty positive he friended me first. We had mutual friends, and he was cute. Why wouldn’t I accept him as my friend? In my journey to find out more about this new friend, I read up on his notes. One in particular caught my eye, and it sparked a conversation that still has not ended.

He had just recommitted his life back to Christ and was looking for answers, so I started a conversation with him talking about God and life. We went back and forth. Honestly, for a while, the conversations with him were the only ones that were meaningful on Myspace. Although I had never met him in person or even spoken to him over the phone, I felt drawn to him and our deep conversations. At one point, he asked if I would like to talk on the phone, but as sheltered as I was, that was not going to happen with me not knowing who he really was.

Coincidently, just a few months later, I would meet him since he worked at my neighborhood Target. Crazy thing is, he recognized my dad before me, and my dad recognized him. To add to the weirdness, he had also attended my church for a short while in his early childhood years. It was apparent that we were meant to be in each other’s lives for some reason. It was this thought that drew me to him more. Our conversations grew from just spiritual conversations into issues at home, school, and everything else in a teenager’s life.

He would visit me at work, and it was like I had known him for years. Never having dated, I found myself wanting for him to be a probable prospect. He never really talked about other girls and acted as if he was not in a relationship, so I figured maybe the feeling was mutual. I guessed being more than just friends was not in God’s plan at that time. I still had gained a good friend who later became my best friend. Shaun, my best friend, is the only name I will mention in this book.

We totally opened up to one another. Whenever he needed someone, no matter the time, I was there. If I ever needed anything, he would be there for me. He would have girl issues; I would help a little bit. I would be stressed and wanting to run away from life, and he kept me thinking positive. He also established a relationship with my father, who became his mentor.

Shaun was the first guy I said I love you to. He was the first guy that would leave me ‘good morning’ and ‘good night texts’ without fail. He was the first guy I could be myself around without feeling the stress of trying to impress. He saw me with my hair all over my head and in sweats. If I did not talk to anyone, I would not miss a day of talking to my best friend.

He warned me about The Jock, but I did not want to listen. I was too busy being ‘in love’. I tried to hook him up with several friends, but I am so glad nothing came from it.

My family constantly mentioned how much they could see he cared for me. It took me 3 years and one failed relationship to realize his love for me.

After The Jock but before The Musician, I started gaining feelings for him. He was too important to me to make him the rebound guy. I would not act on my feelings for him until I knew I was completely over my last relationship.

One night he came to visit me, as he often would, and he hugged me. He had hugged me before, but this time something felt different. This time when he hugged me, if felt like home. It sounds crazy, I know. It just felt like I belonged in his arms. I had never, and until this day have never, felt like that when hugging anyone else.

It was then my eyes became open to how deep the feelings I had for him were. It was too late. He snuck up on me and had gotten into a relationship without me knowing, although we talked everyday. After not being able to hold it in any longer, I wrote a letter professing my feelings for all of Facebook to see. It was not good timing at all and eventually caused a temporary rift in our friendship.

It was during this time that The Musician came into the picture. Shaun and I later regained our friendship. Once again, he tried to warn me of the unhealthy relationship I was in, but this time I figured it was jealously. I had moved on, and he was no longer in a relationship.

As time passed, both of us believed we would marry the people we were with until one day they were not. Both of us broke it off with the individuals we were with and knew they were not the people we were meant to marry. We were both dating people that brought out the worst in us.

One day, I began playing the role of Shaun’s stylist and photographer for a portfolio he was putting together. It was freezing that day and even with all my layers, I quivered. He grabbed my hands and blew into them to bring me warmth. It was all in innocence, but it was then that I remembered how much he cared for me. Although we had spent time together before this day and always had fun, this day just seemed different.

At the end of the photo shoot, he grabbed me and hugged me, thanking me for how great the pictures came out. This hug took me back to almost three years before. The hug that brought me to write the poem telling how I really felt. When he hugged me, I felt secure, safe, loved, in

love, etc. In one word, he felt like home. No one had ever loved me, cared for me, and treasured me like he had for so many years other than my father.

The issue was that both of us had just gotten out of relationships. Shaun also denied that he had any non-platonic feelings for me. He was there for me after my break up. When I felt everyone was against me, he would keep me laughing and smiling. When I would want to cry and go into hiding, he would make me brownies and put on stupid, funny movies.

Not even going to lie, I knew exactly what I was doing. Although he told me about a girl who he had his eye on, I made up in my mind I was not going to let him go this time. I knew that the feelings he had for me a few years back were still hidden in his heart somewhere and they would resurface if I stuck around long enough.

Once I knew in my heart I still loved him far more than just a friend, I devised a plan to always be around. If he needed a cook, I was there. If it were a stylist or photographer, I would wear the hat proudly. I was not going to let any other female in the picture, not even to get the title of best friend. I planned on showing him I was all he wanted and needed. I would never advise this for any young woman to do. Normally I would think of it as seeming desperate, but he had already won my heart years ago.

I know now God would have made it happen in His timing since we were meant to be. At the time, I listened to my emotions and went after what I wanted. We came to the realization that everything we were always looking for in another person, we had in each other. While I do not regret me sticking around him, I should have waited on God’s timing. We dated for a short while and were engaged by the fall after I graduated from college

Lesson Learned: Trust God’s Timing

God’s timing is perfect even when it does not match our timing. Matter of fact, God’s timing is better than our timing. God is the creator of all life. He knows us before we know us. He knows what we are prepared for, and how we may need to grow in areas. We often want to rush things and make it happen earlier than we are truly prepared.

God knows what each of us can handle and when we need to grow to be able to handle the blessings He has for us. If you are waiting on a spouse, a job promotion, financial blessing or answer to a prayer, hold on. Wait on God. God wants the best for us. His desire is not to hinder us or put more on us than we can bear. Blessings can seem like a curse if they are given at the wrong time.

Doing things in God’s time would have helped us bypass some difficulties and heartaches when Shaun and I began dating.

There is no doubt that Shaun was made for me and was the only guy who had the capacity to love me as I needed to be loved. I was also that for him.

I could have bypassed a lot of hurt and scars if my focus would have fully been on God and fulfilling my purpose. I would have been able to give not only my husband, but my best friend something I treasured dearly; something I would have been proud to tell our children about. God had things in the works before we knew each other existed. God is so funny! There were so many times in life we could have met, but it only happened when God said, “Ok, it is time!”

My Sweet Love

I met that guy, who makes me smile,

I met the guy who makes me want to give him 200%.

He cares for me like none other does.

He gives me his last and makes sure I’m never without.

When he’s around, I can’t stop staring at him.

He catches me with amazement of how he loves me.

The more he goes after God, the more I love him.

The more I go after God, the more he’s attracted to me.

He is a beacon of light in the midst of darkness,

He is my sunshine on a sweet summer’s day.

He is my strength when I am weak,

He is the shoulder that catches my tears.

Who would have thought, the one that’s been

there all along?

He’s been there from the very beginning.

He’s my best friend, the one that brings me joy.

He’s my future!