Brokenness Mended By Grace: Part V

Serenade of The Musician Part II

At first, his mother loved me and made us a couple before we were actually one. She seemed nice and opening. Their whole family seemed open and welcoming, causing me to let down my guard and be myself. As his relationship with his best friend grew distant, his mother started disliking me.

I know now that sometimes when being in a relationship, we are sometimes so infatuated with a person or “in love” that we are blinded from the truth. As his mother, maybe she really did see that we were not good for one another. My parents knew that we were not a good match, but they still respected our decision as adults. I had a few people give me their thoughts and opinions, but never did they try to destroy our relationship as his mother did. She brought the drama that I would normally stay away from.

Whenever Musician and his mother were at odds, of course, I was there for him. I never disrespected her in the process. Towards the end of our relationship, her dislike for me had gotten out of hand. Soon all respect I had for her was lost and I wanted nothing to do with her. I even told Musician that if we were to get married, she was not invited to the wedding and she would never see her grandchildren. That’s not the life I wanted for myself and that is not the life I wanted for him. Who signs up for strife and drama for the rest of their life? I could see all over his face that he was emotionally drained, and so was I.

It was so many other things that made this almost two-year relationship so unhealthy. There were physical altercations we would have that started from play fights. I do not condone any abuse from a male or a female, but I found myself doing it. The last physical altercation we had before calling it quits made me walk away. I knew it had gone way too far. That was not what I had pictured for my life. I told him I was done that time. Once again, he still had this hold on me that would never let me leave.

The greatest of all the issues in our relationship is our mistake in fornicating. My intentions were to keep my virginity until my wedding night. I had never kissed a guy until I was 19 years old. While I was practically throwing myself at “The Jock”, I’d gotten myself together enough to go back to the value of saving intercourse for my husband. Somehow, someway I found myself in a compromising position and “accidently” lost my virginity in the most unromantic way! I literally cried that night and was so mad.

Even in my anger, I could not stop the feeling of wanting more. Growing up a P.K. I witnessed things that most people do not want to discuss but can be prevalent in churches if we are not careful. I am talking about fornication, affair, and all other forms of sexual immorality. I told myself I never wanted to be like those hypocritical ministers and pastors that I would often scoff at who preached a powerful message then lived any kind of way outside of the pulpit. This is why I wanted to wait until I was “perfect” to be held with such great responsibility of molding young minds for God.

“Poof!” In an instant, I became just like those I once scoffed at. That hurt to the core, but I still could not stop. I made up in my mind that Musician would for sure have to marry me after taking my virginity. I felt like I was dirty and no one else would want me anyway. Fornication led to seemingly unbreakable soul ties. Every time I would leave and want to break things off, I could never stay away. Over and over, we would try to stop fornicating. We would even get to three weeks without doing a thing, and then find ourselves back in the same position. My mentor would tell me to just leave him, but I could not. I could not understand why the hold he had on me was so strong. It was as I needed him to live even with the toxicity of the relationship.

As it was nearing the end of our relationship, everything was getting too difficult for me to bear. Between the arguments with him and his mom and the guilt of sin, I was not happy at all. The conviction of sin would have me balling with the ugly cry face during the act. If issues arose within the youth ministry, I would blame myself for it all. I was taught that everything starts from the head down, therefore I felt my sin was affecting the whole ministry and everyone involved. Oh, what a heavy weight to put on one’s self. I smiled in front of people but there were so many times I wanted to cry out "Help!"

When I got to the end of my rope and he showed me how selfish he was, I finally got the courage to go “on a break”. No one knew about it, but for almost two months we were “on a break”.

All he had to give me was two weeks. Those two weeks without his serenades and his presence near me all the time, I cried out to God! I told God to take every desire for The Musician away from me if he was not supposed to be my husband. I told God I did not want to marry someone I would be unhappy with for the rest of my life just because I had lost my virginity to him. I also asked God to break the soul ties between us. I did not want to be attached to anyone’s soul that was not my husband’s. God heard my prayers and cries.

This time when he came back, trying to mend the broken pieces and show me he was a changed man, I had no desire for him. I tried to make it work, because others made me feel bad for not noticing his efforts. It did not work for long. He had become that extremely annoying guy to me once again. His voice annoyed me, his jokes were dumb to me, and I surely did not want him touching me.

When I finally broke it off with him, he acted dumbfounded as if we had no issues during our relationship. I could not understand why he was so blind. I was not, however, aware of the pain someone could bring after you part ways with him or her. While I won’t downplay his hurt, he prolonged the pain in my opinion. Misery really does love company. Over and over, he would call wanting an explanation of how and why I came to the conclusion that we needed to part ways. It did not help that we still went to the same church and he still decided to serve under me in the youth ministry.

He would make scenes in the hallways of the church. Call me at school while I was finishing my last year up, not allowing me to focus in class. He pushed me further away and annoyed me even more. He then dragged my name in the mud because of assumptions people made of my relationship with my best friend at the time. It really hurt me, because I gave him 110% of my love when we were together. I was often left with his inability to fully love me as I needed to be love.

Lessons learned:

1. It is best for you not to get into any type of dating relationship during confusing or drastic changes in your life. When you are in this stage of life, there is no need to add the extra stress to your life.

A relationship of any kind takes work. Even the “no strings attached” relationships take work. When you are young, enjoy you and getting to know you. Hanging out with friends and the opposite sex is all good, but leave it at friends. We all grow and change, wait for a relationship until you know who you are and the type of person you are willing to put the work in with.

2. Never give all of yourself {physically, emotionally, or mentally} to anyone except for God and your spouse. When you give all of yourself to someone who is not your spouse, you give them power and control over you without any commitment.

You will also find yourself dependent on that person in some shape or form. God made us to depend on Him and Him alone. Even in marriage, both parties still have to depend on God. This is why we cannot be unequally yoked.

3. When you do believe it is time for you settle down in a dating relationship/courtship, always stick to your morals and standards. If that person falls in love with you for who you are, stick to who you are no matter the pressure you may feel. Create boundaries that won’t allow you to fall into temptation’s trap. “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure” (1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT).

4. If ever you are in any type of relationship where the other person doesn’t know your worth, let them know that you know your worth by leaving them alone. If you continue to put up with someone who doesn’t act or treat you like what you are worth, they will continue to believe that your worth is beneath what it really is. No matter how many years you’ve put into it, you need to RUN. It is not too late to run until you have a ring on your finger. Holding on to that tarnished relationship will only make things harder for you in the future. God would never give you a spouse that does not know your worth. He will not give you a spouse until you know your worth and who you are in Him. Remember, not everyone has the capacity to love you the way you need to be loved.

5. They talked about soul ties in youth all the time. Even I talked about them, but I did not truly KNOW how powerful a soul tie was. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8 ESV).

One of the God-ordained purposes for sexual intercourse is to consummate a marriage. Spiritually and physically, two people become 1. You are then tied to that person. The issue is that too many of us wed ourselves with more than one person. God never meant for us to be one with everybody. It may be considered old school, but I believe we need to get back to the principle of saving one’s self for marriage.

#BROKENNESS #MENDEDBYGRACE #MYJOURNEY #FORNICATION #SOULTIES