Brokenness Mended By Grace: Part IV

Serenade of the Musician: Part 1

Eventually, I got over the Jock, moved back home, transferred to the college I wanted to go to, and began trying to put the pieces of my life back together.

Coincidentally, there was this guy I went to church with that would not leave me alone. He was a year younger than I and had just graduated from high school. He was one of the most annoying guys I knew at the time. He acted like a big kid and as if he had no manors or chivalry about him. I never acted as if I had any interest in him, yet he continuously tried to get me to hang out with him. Every time, the answer was, “No!”

I guess he thought he could get his cousin to get me to hang out with him since I would not give him a chance. It was as if they were playing game. Still I did not give either of them attention. Conveniently, his family happened to live down the street from mine, and he would find himself at my family’s house whenever he got a chance. He was the Musician.

He really weaseled his way in when he helped my parents move into their new house. I did not have a vehicle at the time, so I guess he offered to pick me up from work for my dad. On my ride home, we must have had a good conversation because I agreed to hang out with him to play pool. At the time, I was hanging out with several other people of the male species most likely because my best friend and I were not on the best of terms. I missed him and was trying to replace him. Anyhow, I had fun. I decided to hang out with the Musician again and we became good friends.

I should also mention that shortly after we began hanging out, I was asked to become a youth director at my home church at the tender age of 19. I previously served as a youth facilitator in my earlier years of college. Although I felt I was not ready and just getting my mental stability back, it seemed no one else wanted the job. I have always had and will have a passion for those of my generation to go after God whole-heartedly. My passion did not stop me from assembling a team of checks and balances so all the pressure would not be on me. I was taking a full course load in college and working part time. Plus, I had the belief that I had to be perfect before leading a ministry. Eventually, I still became the youth director.

The musician and my relationship started with me letting him know I wasn’t ready for what he wanted. I knew that I still had feelings for the other guy, my best friend. I had been through a lot in 2008, so when 2009 started, I was not looking for any type of relationship. I just wanted to have fun and let down my hair a little. I remember that night as if it were yesterday. It was the night that would change the next few years of my life.

Me: “I need to talk to you about something important.”

The Musician: “Oh no. What did I do?”

Me: “No, no. It’s not about you. It’s about me. I think you like me more than I like you. I mean I like you and we have fun together, but I still have feelings for someone else. I think we need to slow things down a little bit.”

The Musician: “Well, I really like you and believe I can change your feelings. I believe I can love you more and make you love me like I love you!”

Something inside of me kept telling me not to give into emotions, but instead I chose to see where this road would take us. I had to admit I did fall quickly; I tend to do that. To make matters worse, he would serenade me and we would finish poems together. We enjoyed each other’s company whether we were chilling in the house or hanging out at the park or new poetry spot. I wanted to show him how it felt to be truly loved and treated like a king. He wanted to show me that he was the best guy for me.

I am not going to lie; Musician knew how to make me laugh. He knew how to get to see the silly side of me which few outside my family had ever seen. We would have so much fun together and fun with our families. Honestly, we were good friends and probably should have left it at that. It was when we threw in an intimate relationship aspect that caused things to change.

The Musician had a way in luring you in with his sweet words and serenades of love. I remember being on the phone with him and falling asleep when he began to sing his emotions to me, thinking I could not hear him. I tell you musicians always know how to pull on a woman’s heartstrings. It was his serenades and all the time we would spend together that later caused me to put myself in a compromising position.

Before him, I had only been in one dating relationship, and I do not know if that relationship really counted. Although he had been in many, none of them lasted longer than a few weeks. I was taught you date to marry, so I would never go past the friendship stage with someone unless I felt they were a possible candidate for marriage. After my first relationship, I decided I wanted to be friends for a long amount of time before dating. Pushed by emotions, I let this standard go. This relationship was going to be new for the both of us.

Everything was good. He was this sweet guy that needed to be loved by the right woman, so I thought. He needed to be treated like a king and know that he was worth it. For some reason, he had to let me know of all the ladies and one night stands he gave up to be with me. I believe it was his insecurities. Whatever it was, it caused me to slowly lose trust. Because of the issues with jealousy and trust, we also were around each other 24/7 as if we had no other life or friends outside of one another.

The Musician was always better with the ladies. He didn’t have many male friends. I hated the fact that one of his best friends was his ex-girlfriend. If that was not enough, his other best friend was also a female. Although I too had a best friend of the opposite sex, I did not understand their relationship. The way they interacted with each other made me feel like there was something else going on behind my back. I was not from the same place they were from.

I was raised to carry myself a certain way and create boundaries with the opposite sex. I don’t know if I did not trust him because of the things I knew about his past, the things he would say to me, or the fact that I had previous feelings for my best friend. Whatever this issue was, this was the thing that caused a rocky start for us and would affect the future of our relationship with someone else.

In the beginning of our relationship, his best friend was never around. I had only met her over the phone. Next thing I know I felt as if I were a part of a threesome. I am a giving person and love to bless others However, the one thing I believe most women and girls are selfish with is the guy they are dating. When a man you are in a relationship with spends more time with another female other than his mother or sister, any woman would feel the same way I did. I made up my mind that I was out, because I deserved better. He always knew what to say to keep me there. Time after time, I would try to walk away in the beginning to save myself the heartache and so he could have his friendship. I had no desire to ruin a friendship he had built with someone way before me. I just believed in boundaries with friends if you plan on having any type of intimate relationship.

He figured pushing her away would make our relationship better but it only brought more conflict. I was the one that was disliked because of the way he did things. It was as if I told him he could not be a friend to her at all. That was never what I said or my intentions. I just wanted boundaries between them. I did not want to be in public and watch them kiss on the mouth. I did not want to see him playing with her underwear while she was wearing them and wonder what they are doing when I was not around. This was just one of the many things that brought our relationship crumbling down.

#FAITH #MYJOURNEY #BROKENNESS #MENDEDBYGRACE