Brokenness Mended By Grace: Part III

Looking for love in Romantic Relationships

Falling for the Jock

In the midst of everything going on in the house and the organization I was apart of, I was so angry with God I wanted to rebel in some way. It made me even angrier that God did not give the release to leave the orginaztion like everyone else did. The Holy Spirit on the inside of me would never let me get too far off course, but my flesh tested the boundaries. That second year of college I decided to get more male friends and to go to all the parties I wanted to go to. I only let myself get close to one guy before this point whom I called my best friend and will later talk about. It was something that I was fearful of doing for two reasons.

One reason I did not keep many close male companionship was due to the vision I had of myself

with multiple children with different fathers.

The other reason was from my childhood years I always had these sexual urges that I did not know how to handle or deal with. This fear made me so awkward around guys. I thought that this would be the perfect time to give it a try. Sounds pretty ridiculous now. “Hey while I’m rebelling and my heart is being hardened towards God, let me try the one thing I have distanced myself from, knowing it will cause trouble.”

There was this one older guy that I was attracted to who worked in our school fitness center that I befriended. I don’t remember how it happened, but somehow we became study buddies. Of course, I was trying to be more than friends but ran when he seemed a bit confused on what god he believed in. Every now and again, I would talk to him but knew it would never be anything serious. I remember the one night I had to fight him off of me and that was the end of my teasing.

Then there was the guy I had major history with. We grew up together in church and his younger sister was one of my best friends. We had a thing for each other as children and teens, but I tried to keep my distance from him. When I did try to have a relationship with him in high school, my dad nipped that one in the bud by threatening him. I was in college and daddy was nowhere around, so I went for it. I liked him so much and dreamt of the day we would date. Due to my awkwardness around guys and my misjudgments of him, he ran. I don’t blame him.

There were other guys I became cool with or would speak to on campus, but I was never attracted to them. Then one day, I went to a class with some of my friends I lived with at the time and he walked in, the Jock. He was with a group of other guys, 6’1”, athletically built, flashing his pearly whites with his country twang. Something about him just captured my attention and I became set on finding out more about him. I had my girls find out more about him and basically Facebook stalked him until he messaged me one day. I also found out from one of my friends that he was a football player. Although I vowed to myself to never date a football player, I gave him a pass because he was a PK “Preacher’s Kid” like me. After messaging and talking to one another we set up a date.

After our first date, I was planning our wedding. We had a lot of things in common, similar morals, and similar future goals. We talked for hours and he seemed perfect for me. Of course, he was also a freshman in college, not looking for a serious relationship. At the time, I was not thinking about that. I was too busy trying to fill void and put a bandage on my hurt. I had no desire to be home at the sorority house; so many times I just stayed at his dorm for the small amount of time we talked. Most the times we hung out and watched movies.

The more we hung out, the more attached I became, especially once “Pandora’s Box” was opened. We began engaging in sexual acts outside of intercourse. I began losing my dignity, my self worth, and altogether myself. We decided to be exclusive, and I wanted to give him my all.

A few weeks later, he decided he wasn’t ready for an exclusive relationship or titles. I, on the other hand, thought I was so “in love”[1]. I think I was more infatuated with the thought of what we could be. Although we were no longer exclusive, we still talked. I then began throwing myself at him as if I had lost all self-worth. Thank God he was not willing to take it. I thank God for keeping me when I did not want to be kept. It took him hurting me with the knowledge of him talking to other girls for me to finally let go. The Jock was exactly like a drug or alcohol addiction to me.

Between the scars of my childhood, my hurt from spiritual leaders discussed in the previous chapter, and a broken heart, I labeled myself as unwanted. I felt like there had to be something wrong with me for people to not accept me and to hurt me. I strived for perfection yet I was critically flawed.

Once again, I found myself fighting back tears each night. I told no one but took it upon myself to go see the therapist on campus. He was not spiritual at all, so I would still leave empty. One night, I found myself taking multiple pills, hoping I would not wake in the morning. This is something I did not even tell my roommate and friend. I just woke up the next morning with a bad stomachache. I became so depressed I lost 15 pounds in a matter of three weeks. Still I would go to church and put on a smile as if nothing was wrong.

[1] I refer to “Pandora’s Box” when discussing the engagement of in any sexual acts.

My Drug of Choice

He was my addiction and my drug of choice.

It didn’t start off that way, but that’s what he became.

I ran to him when I couldn’t handle all that surrounded me.

With him, I felt at home and safe in his arms.

When I had been scarred and bruised, I cried on his shoulder.

Just spending time with him would make me “happy”.

He became my drug dealer and drug intertwined in one.

His kisses and touch would give me my fix.

It would also leave me feigning for more each time.

My love for this drug was both great and dangerous.

I thought I would die if I were to let go of him.

He was my drug of choice.

My time with him left me on a high but unsatisfied.

I wanted more and more, because it was never enough.

I thought for sure that this drug was the one for me.

I want to lose myself in him and give him all of me.

He was my drug of choice.

Through the good times and bad, I made a commitment to stay.

I planned on sticking it out with this love addiction.

Some part of me knew I needed to let go and get myself together.

The greater part of me wanted to spend forever with my addiction.

He was my drug of choice.

It had to get to a point where I could no longer handle it.

I knew I loved me more than I loved my addiction.

But like every other drug addiction, he was hard to let go of.

Letting go took my mind and emotions for a whirlwind.

Yes, he was my drug of choice.

But in letting go, I found myself along with true joy and peace!

#MYJOURNEY #BROKENNESS #GRACE #MENDEDBYGRACE #FAITH