Brokenness Mended By Grace: Part I

Letter To The Reader

Have you ever longed for love? Not just a crush or a gooey feeling, but love that shines its light on you every morning and reminds you that you can make it through the worst of days?

It is my earnest belief that God places an empty hole or void in each and every human being as they are being shaped in the womb. Everyone comes from his or her mother’s womb longing for love, acceptance, to be cared for, and to be cared about. Many of us find out, what seems as too late, that the empty spot or void was only meant for God to fill. Christians hear about the “God spot” all the time in church, but sometimes WE do not even believe it. Here is a story of a “church girl” who forgot about her “God spot” and had to be reminded of God’s gracious love.

Your college years can often make or break you. It is ultimately up to you, the choices you make, and the people you decide to surround yourself with. This is usually the time one finds out who they really are apart from their parents, what their likes and dislikes are, and what they were created to do in the world.

This series of stories will take you through the journey of my personal college experience and how it led to my revelations of God’s gracious love for us. I would also like to add, the stories told in this book are my stories from my perspective. Although these stories involve other people, I do not wish to defame anyone’s character. I hold no ill feelings towards anyone and pray the best for them.

Before you start reading these series from my book, I will let you know that I was not your ordinary college student. I am a “PK”, Preacher’s Kid, but not your normal “PK”. People always associate a PK as the kid who’s parents are so strict on them that when they finally are of age to leave their parent’s nest, they go wild and out of control. That was not my story. I wanted to grow deeper in my relationship with God and get to know him for myself without being in my parent’s shadow. I wanted to make them and God proud of me.

Before The College Years

Although this journey is about my college years and wisdom I’ve gained through it all, I must give you an introduction of the girl I was before it all happened. You have to know where I have been to understand my story.

I always had this hunger for love and attention. It is not like my parents lacked in the area of love or as if my family shunned me away. For some reason, there was always this void that could not be filled. I knew in my mind as a kid my father loved me; probably because he spoiled me after my parents’ separation, but I did not think anyone else loved me. Now that I am older, I know it was a trick of the enemy and that God could only fill the void I was so desperately looking to fill. I was young and unable to comprehend the fight that went on in my head daily. For some reason, I was filled with hatred and anger.

When I gave my life to Christ as a preteen I had to forgive and ask my mom for forgiveness. She cared for us like a good mother should, but I hated her for “keeping me away” from my father. All I remember of my younger

years, was my dad taking me to Toys R Us all the time and her moving us around constantly. In one apartment, we had to leave all the toys my dad purchased for us, and I was so angry with her. She promised she would go back for them, but I never saw those items again. Of course, I also have no clue what all happened or what was going on.

As a 4 year old, I did not remember the times she would spend her last to make sure we were nicely dressed and fed. I did not remember when she made sure we were in church and knew the bible even when she was not. All I remembered were the toys. There were other things that I did not like nor did I understand when it came to her raising us, so I bottled it all up. Somehow that anger in that 4 year old grew more and more towards her and turned to hate due to my childish, selfish thinking. “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things” (1 Corinthians 13:11 NKJV).

I had a lot of anger, malice, jealousy, contempt, etc. rotting on the inside me. I didn’t even realize until the day I cried out to God when I was about 11 years of age. I guess it was in my asking my mother for forgiveness, she thought I still hated her when I made the decision to live with my father a few years later, which brought another rift between us. Honestly, I just saw better opportunities with living with my father due to the living arrangements and schooling.

Before giving my life to Christ at 11, there were constant battles in my head, giving me the desire to take my own life. I remember on several occasions my older sister found me doing stupid things and stopped me. After truly giving my life to Christ, I thought the battles would end, but they only changed forms. In high school, I was considered the “Church Girl” or “Miss Goody Two Shoes” or “Stuck-up”. If only everyone knew, I had no other choice. I was constantly working to give myself completely over to God, or I would have been a total wreck.

I would have desires in my flesh and thoughts in my mind that were totally contradictory to the word of God,

and I did not want to pursue. It did not help that God gave me a vision of myself in the future on two different roads.

One road included me looking strung out and stressed with several kids from different fathers. The other vision was of me fulfilling my God ordained purpose and speaking to hundreds of young people alongside my husband, whose face I never saw. Which road would you choose? I was so scared of turning into that “rebellious girl” who lost her way and disappointed her parents. I tried to do everything humanly possible to not fall into that trap.

While everyone was “being young” and “reckless”, like most high school students do, I chose to do the opposite. I would go to games and dances and sometimes act silly in the halls of school, but I still wasn’t what you called the normal high school student. I also did not fit into the smart kid group that only did homework for fun. I made the decision to not curse, not listen to secular music at one point, not go to parties, not date, and had only a few friends that I hung around.

Many times I felt alone as if I were the only teen in the world that wanted to be sold out for Christ; another trick of the enemy. There were so many nights I cried myself to sleep, desiring to just be a kid, have a lot of friends, and have fun, but I feared that I would fail God. I wanted to be normal and like everyone else, but I also did not want to be like everyone else. Everyone wants to be accepted by someone. I asked God to send me new friends that wanted to live the “sanctified” life like me. That’s when I was introduced to this Christian sorority/organization by one of my childhood best friends.

I was so excited about God answering my prayer and gaining a new group of girl friends that wanted the same

things spiritually as I did, I dove all the way in. Whenever there was a meeting or event that the organization put on, I was there. All I talked about was the organization or what I learned from the teachings in the organization. I gave up friends and was even more judgmental of others due to the teachings of the organization. Although it seemed I was gaining a closer relationship with God, quickly I centered my life on the organization not just God. I became more callus and self-righteous, always pointing out everyone else’s sin.

I was fasting, praying, studying my bible, not cursing, not giving into sexual immorality, etc. I was so “saved” I had not kissed a boy before. I was involved in ministry at my church and outside of church. One could say I seemingly had it all together in the religious world. Reality was that I was missing the point of Grace and Jesus Christ all together.

Words of Wisdom:

I am very aware of the battle going on in children’s and teen’s minds today. My heart goes out to those who succeed in taking their own life or others’ lives because of the battles in their mind. There is an adversary that is after you, your life, and your God given purpose.

He will stop at nothing to get you confused and feeling as if you do not deserve to live on this earth. The enemy often makes minuscule things seem so enormous in our minds that we feel as if we cannot handle them and life will never get better. He knows that if he can capture your mind as a child, there is a possibility that he can stop you from fulfilling that purpose. You have the power to give to him or take away. “Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8, NAS).

Do not allow yourself to be deceived as Adam and Eve. You have a purpose in this world! Luke 12:7 and Matthew 10:30 talks about God knowing the number of hairs on our head. Jeremiah 1:4-5 talks about God knowing us and giving us a purpose before we were ever conceived. You are greater than your current situation!

#Grace #Myjourney #Transparency