Keeping the Intimacy and Fire in Your Marriage with Children (Inherited Children Addition)

I can still remember the day when I met my future daughter. I was excited yet a little nervous, wondering if this four-year old little girl would like me, accept me and learn to love me. What I had not fully anticipated was the reaction of her mom when she saw me in the car for the first time. There was a bit of drama and for a split second, I thought, I really like this handsome and sweet guy and the little girl too, but do I want THIS? I wondered what in the world had I gotten myself into dating someone with a child. While dating and ultimately marrying someone where pre-existing children are present is common, it is often a very unique situation. When you enter marriage with children, you have to be committed to cultivating intimacy. Below you’ll find a few pointers that we have picked up along the way.

Be Intentional

Let’s face it, with or without inherited children, you are still married and you are still attracted to your husband or wife. Attraction is just one component of intimacy. When I am intentional, I am doing something on purpose. I meant to do it. It was a part of my plan. I didn’t expect that it would just happen. The same is true with intimacy. Perhaps ask your spouse what is intimacy to them? Don’t be surprised if it is different than what you initially thought. I like holding hands, I love it when he rubs my back (and doesn’t expect anything immediately) and love notes/texts. If you were to ask him what intimacy is to him, let’s just say that it is not anything that I mentioned and it is one little 3-letter word. [Symbol]

Be Creative

When children are around, you will find ways to meet each other needs. As a wife, I have had to step outside of my comfort zone on more than one occasion to keep the flame burning in our marriage. But I do this because I never wanted to settle for complacency in our relationship. One of our challenges began in year 3 and it was very difficult for us to find time for date nights with two children under 7. We moved to California for Michael’s graduate program and we did not have family members to lean on during those years. We knew the importance of spending time together and we were committed to somehow keeping our dates. We went from dinner dates to breakfast dates and cherished those few hours together. After we ate, he would drop me off at work and I would have the biggest smile on my face all day. My love tank was full and I knew that our marriage was important to him as well. Michael was intentional about carving out time for me and I made sure that he had a smile on his face too.

Be Transparent

Find others who have traveled down a similar road before. While it is never a good idea to share all of your business with everyone, you should have at least one person who will keep your confidence AND give you good (and godly) wisdom. I had two friends that I could go to for accountability and to swap ideas on keeping romance at the forefront. We would also like to suggest that you find a couple who can mentor you as you navigate the potentially dangerous waters of a blended family. We did not do this early on in our marriage. In hindsight, this one tip alone would have saved me many tears and allowed me to try and see the challenges from Michael’s perspective.

Be Forgiving

We think the number one roadblock in sexual intimacy is un-forgiveness. For many, there are inherent issues which accompany a family with inherited children such as where they scheduled to go for certain weekends or holidays. If you have planned a special 3 day get-away with your spouse to a nice resort 4 hours away and two days in, you realize that you are supposed to pick up your child by 6:00 p.m. that evening. You can just imagine, how angry, upset or disappointed your spouse may be after you mention this oversight. If we do not try and work through our frustrations, it is just the beginning of resentment, bitterness and ultimately un-forgiveness. If there is an intimacy issue, ask your spouse if they are upset or bothered by anything that you have done. You will be so amazed at the results in your physical intimacy once true forgiveness has taken place.

Establishing a tradition of dating, traveling for weekend excursions, alone time and adult dedicated activities will assist you in grow a healthy marital relationship. This foundation should be established at the very beginning of the relationship. Whether you decide to place a sticky note on the steering wheel, leave a romantic voicemail or whisk your mate away for a night that they will never forget, remember to be intentional, be creative, be transparent and always be forgiving.

The Wards Contact Info: http://www.ilovemarriage.com

#FAITH #FAMILY #MARRIAGE #BLENDEDFAMILY #INTIMACY